I swear that I never should have taken a vacation! I just feel so alone since I don’t really have any adults to talk to. I’ve been fighting with BD & my emotions the entire time. It’s like I so can’t stand him but, part of me misses him & can’t stand to see him with anyone else…It’s like the only things I do are go to work & then come home and park my ass at the computer.

I don’t have any real offline bestfriends anymore. Sara has her own shit going on & when we plan something she just blows me off. And SBD is another story…If I really need someone to talk to I can call him but, he doesn’t make an effort usually to contact me in anyway. (The other night excluded ) I feel like I’m not really part of thier lives anymore and that they are trying to leave me behind (which they are pretty much doing sucessfully)

With SBD I really want a serious relationship again. I understand that we are different people than when we were together as kids but, we both know eachother deeply on all levels. I don’t think he’s ready for the responsiblities that a relationship with me would come with. I think that’s the reason why he stays away sometimes. I think he can see the feelings in my eyes. I know that I still love him in someway but, how I don’t know. I just want a chance to find out. If things don’t work we can continue to be friends. Eventhough I’ve was with BD for 6 years I never once had ANY of the feelings that I did with SBD.

I just want to be held, kissed & loved again. I’m a truely affactionate person but, havn’t had the affection I need in all the time that BD & I were together…